Russell Howard looks at the extreme difference in coverage of Ebola in the UK and USA.
Ed. Note: As the Divine Comedy unfolds! Observed from the “sacred neutral” perspective, things on the “world stage” are getting quite humorous….
CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL–After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.
The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.
“A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell,” inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. “The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound.”
Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. “Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based sitcoms–these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen,” Antedeus said.
Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell’s meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994, however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.
Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell’s center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.
“In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates–downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we’ve finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve.”
Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added, “We’re all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level’s state-of-the-art facilities will make possible.”
Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products.
The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley hit “Together Forever.”
In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.
“In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker,” one flame-blackened shade told reporters. “When I arrived here, they didn’t know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I’ve been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn woman ever since.”
His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: “It’s hell here–there are no executive lounges, I can’t get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I’m beeped every 30 seconds, and there’s no way to return the calls. Plus, I’m being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but it’s just out of my grasp, and it’s out of ink and constantly blinking the message, ‘Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'”
He then resumed screaming in agony.
Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell’s elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell’s future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.
“Things are definitely looking up,” Grogar said. “We’re now far better equipped, and we’re ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer.”
“We’re really on the grow down here,” Grogar added. “This is an exciting time to be in Hell.”
WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
Calling it “basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much “$200″ is actually worth.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy.
“Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…” said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this—this so-called ‘money’—really matters at all.”
“It’s just an illusion,” a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. “Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless.”
According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, “Oh my God, he’s right. It’s all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it’s all a lie!”
Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.
U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.
As news of the nation’s collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.
At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning’s opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.
“I’ve spent 25 years in this room yelling ‘Buy, buy! Sell, sell!’ and for what?” longtime trader Michael Palermo said. “All I’ve done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth.”
“What a cruel cosmic joke,” he added. “I’m going home to hug my daughter.”
Sources at the White House said President Obama was “still trying to get his head around all this” and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering “it’s just metal, it’s just metal” over and over again.
“The president will be making a statement very soon,” press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. “At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment.”
A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.
Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes.
“I don’t even know what we were thinking in the first place,” said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. “A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That’s just plain ludicrous.”
The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.
For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation’s epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.
“It’s back to basics for me,” Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. “I’m going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I’ll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I’ll pay for it in lettuce.”
When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.
“That’s a lot of vegetables, isn’t it?” he said.
Note: One of the more honest articles from The Onion…
http://toofar.tv presents Tom Simmons, at it again, with another socially conscious comedy routine focused on money, the federal reserve, bankers and even a little Jesus to top it all off. It’s as if Ron Paul was funny and starring in “They Live”. http://tomsimmonscomedy.com
This has to be one of the greatest animal videos ever made. Courtesy of BBC, this is “Funny Talking Animals” and this is guaranteed to make you more than just smile! Enjoy!! And please make sure you SHARE with friends! And if you’re an animal lover, look below the video for something special
A compilation of excerpts taken from the BBC One show
‘Funny Talking Animals – Walk On The Wild Side’ and
pieced together by DJ Shamrock for comedic effect.
Images and voice-overs are property of the BBC.
Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ is property of Sony.
Some video & voice-overs edited but not performed
by DJ Shamrock.
NO SOLICITING ACCEPTED!
I am grateful to the BBC and the producers of
Walk On The Wild Side for allowing me to post
this video with content that is NOT my property.
Therefor, I will not accept ANY marketing offers
whatsoever. Thank you.
IMHO 98% of xmas music is profoundly irritating, then I just heard this one on the radio…omg, rotflmao!!
Need a good laugh?