[Hat tip: Kathryn, thanks!]
[Hat tip: Kathryn, thanks!]
Note: Sounds like naughty Three Stooges funeral..lol! Maybe the pastor needs to be reminded there are no accidents, or coincidences…karma bites.
A pornographic video was accidentally played at the Thornhill Crematorium in Cardiff, Wales during the funeral for Simon Lewis and his son, Simon Lewis Jr. Hundreds of guests had gathered for the ceremony. However, instead of watching a memorial video, they were witness to hardcore porn for nearly four minutes. Cardiff council is currently launching an “urgent” investigation into the incident. Mark Sovel and Sasha Kai Parker discuss the “electronic accident” on the Lip News.
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My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss.
How hard can it be?
I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.
Another deep breath and RIPP!
Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause.
She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I’m numb by now.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color……
(Facebook source – original writer not known )
Jonathan Pie’s latest episode talks about David Bowie & ‘sexing up’ the news.
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Note: Couldn’t resist poking a little well-deserved fun at Y’all Queda😉
JMG reader Scott points us to the Twitter account of Colin Meloy, lead singer for The Decemberists, who has launched the hilarious hashtag #bundyeroticfanfic. More examples are below.
The Portland Mercury‘s Shelby King plays along: “Hungry and cold, Ammon soon found his limbs entwined with Trevor’s. He was unsure where he ended and Trevor began. ‘It’s for warmth,’ he told himself. He pulled out his Magnum and gripped the barrel, locking eyes with Ammon. Ryan held the cold steel to his brother’s naked flank. Ammon gasped with pleasure and desire.” READ MORE
Set in the world of a spoofed prescription drug commercial, Nature Rx offers a hearty dose of laughs and the outdoors – two timeless prescriptions for whatever ails you. Side effects may include confidence, authenticity, remembering you have a body, and being in a good mood for no apparent reason.
Behind the humor and parody of Nature Rx is good science. Research shows that spending more time in nature improves your health, wellbeing, and leads to making better environmental decisions. Find out more…http://www.nature-rx.org/research/
An award winning comedy series, Nature Rx also offers environmentalism a needed dose of fun and satire. Nature Rx is a friendly reminder to us Earthly inhabitants what feels good and what is worth protecting once we take an adventure outdoors.
One lost man, longing for the apocalypse and crippled by modern life, finds an answer… a humorous and obvious solution he was missing all along. Having fun again, feeling sexy with his wife, wild, peaceful and free, this man offers a good time prescription for our busy world. Warning: this prescription may lead to spontaneous euphoria. For euphoria lasting more than 4 hours, check work email and consult your doctor.
Three people (Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, Ryan Gosling) share very different stories about their alien abduction. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfPdYYsEf linkAE
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Too tempting, I simply couldn’t resist…
The economy is baffling Jonathan … what can he afford to buy? Nothing. Rent? Nothing. This is the real news…
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MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.
The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”
While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.
While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.
Artist Credit “Duck Decoy” copyright/courtesy EricDecetis.com
People often saved money in kitchen pots and jars made of pig, called “pig jars”. By the 18th century, the term “pig jar” had evolved to “pig bank”.
You Can Understand How Truly Frightening This Show Would Be. Data suggests a population decline of 89% in hammerhead sharks, 79% in great white sharks, 65% in tiger sharks, 80% in thresher sharks, 60% in blue sharks, and 70% in mako sharks.
*Note: Not all original artists could be sourced. Let us know if we are missing anything!
UK News reporter Jonathan Pie has a go at David Cameron, Alan Sugar, Nuclear Weapons, Matt Damon’s treatment in the press, Jeremy Corbyn’s treatment by the press…you name it, he has a go about it!
FYI…satire at it’s finest
Two pals enjoying a work-out and teaching humans how to Lighten-up, this is more entertaining than watching a dog chase it’s tail…enjoy!
Submitted by Tyler Durden on 07/13/2015 19:50 -0400
“Sources” say this is how it all went down…
Because sometimes you just have to laugh… or you’ll cry yourself to sleep again.
On the lighter side, have a feeling this is the direction news is heading in after we move thru the shift…wild, wacky and on the fun, sunny side of life. And so it is and shall be
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Thank you God Bless You all. Hugs
8 Signs Your Cat is Trying to Kill You!
My friends, the kittens are rising, the apawcalypse is coming. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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Music is Rollin at 5, and Sapphire Isle by Kevin MacLeod, http://www.incompetech.com
My Strange Addiction
Shorty has a strange addiction. No, it’s not the catnip banana, which isn’t strange at all. It’s to chewing plastic. She doesn’t eat it, or swallow it. She just likes to chew it. Like some humans like to chew tobacco. I have no idea why.